Am I a Bad Person for Wanting to Say No? The Truth About People-Pleasing
- aliciafrimley
- Sep 12
- 5 min read
It's 2am and you're wide awake, scrolling through your phone, wondering:
"Why can't I say no?" If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
Thousands of UK women lie awake at night asking themselves this same question. You're exhausted from always putting others first, yet the thought of setting boundaries feels terrifying.
"Do people only like me because I help them?" It's a question that haunts many women who've lost themselves in the endless cycle of people-pleasing.
People-pleasing isn't about being kind- it's about the deep fear that you must earn your place in this world.
If you're searching for "boundaries counselling" or wondering "why do I feel guilty for everything," you've found the right place. Let's explore what's really happening beneath that constant need to keep everyone else happy.
The 2am Question That Changes Everything: "Am I a bad person for wanting to say no?"
There's something about those late-night hours when your defences are down and the truth surfaces. "Will people leave me if I say no?" It's the question that reveals what people-pleasing is really about—not excessive kindness, but bone-deep terror about your own worth.
Maybe you recognise these thoughts:
"I don't know who I am anymore"
"I've lost myself trying to please everyone"
"I feel rubbish when I try to say no"
You're running on what I call "survival software"- patterns that once kept you safe and connected, but now leave you feeling invisible unless you're being useful. That knot in your stomach when someone seems upset? That's not intuition. That's the part of you that learned love had conditions.
The Exhaustion That British Politeness Creates
In Britain, we're raised to be accommodating:
"Don't make a fuss."
"Be considerate."
"Think of others first."
These cultural messages, whilst well-intentioned, can create a particular intensity around people-pleasing for women.
You might find yourself:
Saying "sorry" constantly, even when you've done nothing wrong
Feeling guilty for taking time to yourself
Worrying you're being "difficult" if you express a need
Apologising for having opinions
Feeling selfish for wanting basic respect
The truth is, you're not too much—you're just too used to making yourself smaller.
This isn't personal weakness. When you've spent years scanning others' emotions, trying to prevent disappointment, your nervous system becomes hypervigilant. You're not just mentally exhausted- you're running on a survival response that was never meant to be your default setting.
What People Don't Tell You About Chronic People-Pleasing
Here's what nobody mentions: people-pleasing doesn't actually make you more loveable. It makes you invisible.
When you're constantly shape-shifting to meet everyone else's needs, you become a mirror—reflecting back what others want to see, never showing who you really are. And deep down, you know this. That's why compliments about being "so helpful" and "always there for everyone" feel hollow.
People can't love who you really are if they've never met her.
The exhaustion you feel isn't from helping- it's from the constant fear that if you stop performing, the love stops too. But here's what I've learned from working with hundreds of women: those who truly care about you want to know the real you, including your limits.
The "Selfish Monster" Fear That Keeps You Stuck
One of the biggest barriers to healing people-pleasing is what I call the "selfish monster" fear. You catastrophise that setting any boundaries will transform you into someone cold and uncaring.
"If I start saying no, I'll become horrible." "If I stop helping everyone, I'll end up completely alone." "There's no middle ground—I'm either a doormat or a monster."
This binary thinking keeps you trapped, believing that having needs makes you fundamentally bad. But here's the truth: you won't become selfish—you'll become honest.
Setting boundaries isn't cruelty. It's clarity. And if people fall away when you stop over-functioning for them, that's painful but important information about the relationship.
What Healing Actually Looks Like in Boundaries Counselling
Healing from people-pleasing isn't about learning to say no perfectly (though that comes). It's about addressing the worthiness wound that drives all the over-giving in the first place.
You don't have boundary issues—you have belonging issues.
Through boundaries counselling, women learn to:
Rest without guilt consuming them
Say "I'm not sure what I want" instead of automatically agreeing
Trust that people want them around, not just what they do
Feel worthy without constantly proving it
Discover who they are when they're not being useful
Success isn't dramatic—it's quiet moments of peace. Like sleeping through the night without worrying you've upset someone. Sitting through family dinner without jumping up to help. Saying no and realising the world didn't end.
The Ripple Effect When You Come Home to Yourself
When you finally feel safe enough to exist without performing, everything shifts. Your relationships become more authentic. Your energy returns. You reconnect with parts of yourself that got buried under years of people-pleasing.
This work doesn't make you less caring—it makes your kindness sustainable.
As you stop over-functioning for everyone else, you create space to remember what actually matters to you. You start building a life based on your values, not everyone else's expectations.
Why Traditional Advice Falls Short
"Just say no more." "Set boundaries." "Put yourself first."
If healing people-pleasing were that simple, you'd have sorted it by now. The reason these suggestions don't stick is because they don't address what's underneath—the deep belief that your needs don't matter as much as everyone else's.
Effective boundaries counselling works with your nervous system, not against it. We explore what made boundaries feel so dangerous in the first place, and gently help your body learn that it's safe to take up space.
A Different Kind of Support- from a Specialist UK People-Pleasing Therapist
In therapy with me, we don't just talk about boundaries, we heal the wounds that made them feel impossible in the first place.
Yes, we'll work on practical skills like challenging those guilt-ridden thoughts and experimenting with saying no. But that's just the beginning....
We explore what happened to make love feel conditional. We tend to the part of you that learned it wasn't safe to have needs. We work with your nervous system to help your body remember that you can disappoint someone and still be loveable.
This isn't surface-level work. This is about healing the original wound.
When you finally understand why boundaries felt so dangerous, everything shifts. That desperate need to keep everyone happy? It starts to soften. The terror of being "too much"? It begins to quiet. The exhaustion from constantly performing? It lifts, bit by bit.
You stop running from yourself and start coming home.
This isn't about becoming someone new. It's about excavating the version of you that was always there—buried under years of trying to earn love. The woman who knew her own mind before she learned it was safer to mirror others. The girl who had opinions before she learned they might cause disappointment.
She's still in there. And she's been waiting for you.
For the Woman Reading This at 2am
If you're lying awake wondering "Am I the problem?", know this: your people-pleasing made perfect sense. It helped you cope, stay connected, avoid conflict. You adapted beautifully to circumstances that required you to earn love.
But you don't have to live this way forever.
You're not broken. You're not selfish for wanting more. You're not asking for too much.
You're simply ready to stop auditioning for love in every relationship and start believing you belong here—exactly as you are.
The woman who can say no without guilt? Who rests without justifying it? Who feels worthy without constantly proving it? She's not a fantasy. She's you—waiting for permission to exist.
If you're exhausted from people-pleasing, questioning "Am I a bad person for wanting to say no" and ready to explore boundaries counselling, you don't have to figure this out alone. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is ask for support—not because we're weak, but because we're finally ready to be free.
Take good care,
Alicia – BABCP-accredited CBT therapist.
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