How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself
- aliciafrimley
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
Struggling with negative self-talk or feeling like you're never good enough? Here's how to stop being so hard on yourself and start rebuilding your confidence and self-worth, with expert tips from a CBT therapist.
Do you ever catch yourself thinking things like:
"I always mess things up."
"I should be doing better."
"Why can’t I just get it right?"
If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. As a CBT therapist, I hear versions of this every day. You might not even realise how much you're carrying, or how deeply that inner critic affects your confidence, relationships, and energy.
But here's the truth: being hard on yourself isn’t helping you grow. In fact, it's probably holding you back.
This blog is here to gently walk you through why that voice exists, how it shows up, and what you can do to soften it, and ultimately, feel more confident and grounded in who you are.
1. Understand Where the Voice Comes From
Let’s start with compassion. That critical voice in your head didn’t appear out of nowhere, and it isn’t your fault. Often, it's shaped by our earliest environments and relationships.
For many people, it stems from:
Critical or emotionally unavailable caregivers: Growing up without warmth or consistent encouragement
Bullying or exclusion: Feeling ‘different’ or like you didn’t fit in
Strict or perfectionistic upbringings: Where mistakes weren’t allowed and success was expected
A lack of emotional attunement: Being told you were ‘too sensitive’ or that your feelings didn’t matter
Messages about worth being tied to achievement, appearance, or helpfulness
These messages can live on in your mind as an inner narrative, long after the original sources are gone. The good news? When you begin to see that this inner critic was learned (not an inherent part of who you are) you create space to unlearn it.
2. Notice How It Shows Up
Once you know where the inner critic came from, the next step is noticing how it still shows up in your day-to-day life. This voice can be sneaky and familiar- like background noise you’ve learned to live with. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting you. You might be hard on yourself without even realising it.
It can look like:
Overthinking everything you said in a conversation
Comparing yourself to others constantly
Struggling to believe compliments or positive feedback
Pushing yourself to do more, even when you're exhausted
This is where CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can really help. In therapy, I help clients learn how to gently recognise these thought patterns and create space between the thought and the truth. Just because your brain says something doesn’t mean it’s true.
3. Try Reframing Your Critical Thoughts
It’s easy to fall into the trap of talking to ourselves in a way we’d never speak to someone we love. These automatic thoughts often go unquestioned, but they’re not facts. Learning to gently reframe them is one of the most powerful tools in softening your inner critic.
Instead of saying:
"I'm so useless."
Try:
"I'm finding this hard right now, and that’s okay."
Instead of:
"I always mess things up."
Try:
"This didn’t go how I wanted, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure."
These aren’t just fluffy affirmations. They’re grounded, compassionate ways of talking to yourself that take into account the full context. These small shifts, practiced regularly, help to chip away at the self-criticism that keeps you stuck.
4. Build Real Confidence Through Action
A common myth is that we need to feel confident before we take action. But confidence isn’t built through thoughts alone, it’s built through how we treat ourselves.
Confidence grows when you:
Set boundaries (even when it's uncomfortable)
Say no without guilt
Honour your needs, not just everyone else’s
Take small, intentional steps that reflect your values
Each time you act in a way that supports your wellbeing, even if it feels awkward or scary — you show your nervous system that you are safe, capable, and worthy. That’s how self-trust begins.
5. Seek Support From a Therapist Who Gets It
You don’t have to figure this all out on your own. If you’re tired of overthinking, perfectionism, or constantly feeling like you’re not enough, therapy can help.
As a CBT therapist in Southend-on-Sea (and offering online therapy UK-wide), I specialise in working with people who are:
Always putting others first
Exhausted from people pleasing
Feeling stuck in self-doubt and comparison
Struggling to feel good enough, no matter how hard they try
Together, we can work on shifting those patterns in a way
that’s evidence-based and genuinely empowering.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve to Feel Good About Yourself
If you’ve spent years being hard on yourself, it can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable to try something different. But you don’t have to keep living with that inner critic running the show.
Being kind to yourself isn't about letting yourself off the hook. It's about learning to treat yourself with the same care and compassion you'd offer someone you love.
It’s how healing begins.
If you're ready to stop being so hard on yourself and start feeling more confident, grounded, and worthy — I’d love to help.
Want support from someone who understands? I offer CBT therapy in Southend-on-Sea and online across the UK.
Book a free 15-minute call and let’s talk about what’s been keeping you stuck — and how therapy can help you move forward.
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